You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
