Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
