I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
