I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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