so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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