Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
