why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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