I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
