Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
