Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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