remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
