In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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