the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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