I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
