it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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