Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
