I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
