Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
