I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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