sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
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Can you bring me the toilet please
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So here I am, sexting at work.
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