Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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