Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
