he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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