I'm gonna have a badass scar
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
