They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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