How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
