I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
