sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
