i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
