I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
