as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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