girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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