After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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