i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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