This girl is more easily done than said...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
