I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
