what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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