we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
we're so committed to being not committed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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