have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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