I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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