She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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