Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's always time for handjobs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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