i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The beer is more important than you right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
