I cannot find my penis.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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