My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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