someone threw a dead crab at me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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