So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
