I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
