Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
