nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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