Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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