My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
