Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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