Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
