I puked a lego.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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