Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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