He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
