I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
