I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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