I wish I could teleport
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
