I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
